FIQ (Frequently Imagined Questions)

As anyone who reads this site should know, I live in my own little world. Therefore, I speak my own special vernacular, which may cause confusion. Since I don’t get questions about this from actual living people, I figured I’d share what the voices in my head harangue me with. That way, you can all get a better understanding of how I think. Then you’ll go insane. This page will be updated as I receive more cranium-shattering headaches which allow their piercing screams become intelligible to me.

Q. Are you for real?

A. Actually, I’m a cartoon character.

Q. Why do you sound like Jim Rome?

A. Much like G.K Chesterton, Eddie Rickenbacker, Pope Leo XIII, Michael Savage and Mike Keenan; Jim Rome has had an influence on me. It shows up from time to time.

 

Q. What is “keyboard”? /Why do some of your posts have little computer graphic thingies at the bottom?

A. Here’s an excerpt from a post of mine that will explain it.

As we all know, I’m a real swell guy. My posts are near always excellent, of course, but every so often I really knock one out of the park. Why shouldn’t there be a “yay me” when I do? With that in mind, I’m going to bring in my own patch system. Every time I feel I’ve really nailed a post, I will append the following at the bottom of it.

And since The Donegal Express is nothing if not interactive, I will allow y’all to join in on the excitement. If you feel a post truly excels, simply comment with “keyboard”. That’ll be my cue to add a patch to the post. We are all in this together, so I expect you to do your part. This works on old posts too, so here’s an excuse for all of you to peruse the archives and recommend some of the early work as well.

Q . What does “Neidermeyer” or “the Neidermeyer Advisory” mean?

A. It refers to the end of a report presented by “Douglas C. Neidermeyer, Sergeant at Arms” in Animal House. Used to warn that a site linked might contain content ” SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.” My way of saying adult content and/or language.

Q. Do you have a disclaimer that you need to post from your employer, trade association, etc?

A. No. I just have my general disclaimer which applies to this blog:

 

“The opinions expressed are really your opinions as well. You just refuse to admit it to yourself.”

Q. I really didn’t know about X, because I’d never heard of it before here in London. Is that a valid reason for not knowing?

A. In my world, you can blame any fault you have on being British.

Q. Do you really hate soccer? Why would you say those things to your children about it?

A. Yes, I really hate soccer; I call that, “being a well-adjusted American male”. My kids do play soccer, but I have not been anywhere near as brutal towards them about it.. However, I have said, “You do know I hate soccer, right?” Which always gets a nod. I then continue with, “But I love you. If you want to play soccer, you may, even though I hate it, I will come and watch. That’s because I love you more than I hate soccer. Also, I’m already letting you take ballet which proves I really do have no say in this family.” OK, I don’t say the part after “I love you more than I hate soccer” but I think it.

Q. Do you have any idea how strange you are?

A. SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

Q. How can I get in touch with you?

A. You can try dertommissar at gmail dot com

Q. Why on earth do you have a picture of a cat at the bottom of your posts?

A. I was nominated for three Catholic Blog Awards this year. During the voting, I made the following statement:

I don’t want to get melodramatic or anything, but if I don’t win in at least one category in the Catholic Blog Awards I will be switching over to cat blogging. No offense to the cat bloggers now, no offense.

 

Q. Where have you been?

A. Who are you, my mom?

Q. Most sites have one or two patron saints. You have eighteen thousand, seven hundred forty-five. What gives?

A.I need the help more than anyone else.

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