March 28th, 2009

After all that we’ve been through together, and you guys won’t believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad.
–Buffy Sommers

Characters Unite National Town Hall

It may have been intimated that the whole three part thing I was planning would be up quickly. Well, so much for that. The big hold up was in getting some exclusive video edited and prepped for the blog. I’ve come to the conclusion that what I need is a media intern. If you’re studying graphic or media arts or whatever they call it and you need some credits, drop me a line. I’ll hit up your school to have you intern for me. We’ll go into the specifics later.

So today we’re going to look at Kathleen Parker, a top conservative columnist (if by “top conservative columnist” you mean “the eighth person you click on when you head to the columnists section”).

Anyhow, I’ve finally gotten everything squared away; I’m proud to announce this exclusive video of Kathleen Parker preparing to write another column:

I never knew she had such a nice office.

Now before anyone starts harping on the obvious text here, (LOL, you said Kathleen Parker does drugs!) I want you to look at the subtext of this as well. This is a metaphor that is running on many levels.

I think a few of you have clued in on the fact that I have a thing for movies. For those of you that haven’t seen Scarface, Tony Montana is preparing to go out in a blaze of glory; a rival has sent dozens of assassins to storm his palatial home. Tony cokes up, then heads out to meet his fate in a blaze of glory. I kinda think that Kathleen Parker would see some parallels to her situation. She’s making some sort of doomed stand, going out in some fiery defiant stand. “Say ‘ello to my leetle column!” Blam! And then the swarms of cock-a-roaches (conservative bloggers) come streaming at her from every direction. She even says as much in one of her columns, when she goes on about putting on a blindfold and whatnot.

Also, I think Kathleen Parker’s been doing a lot of drugs before writing some of her columns.

Case in point, one of my favorite moments of paranoid dementia came up after Christopher Buckley’s defection during the last election:

What does it mean that the right cannot politely entertain dissenting opinions within its ranks?

It’s like I said in the last post, these folks are either dishonest or demented. Hmm, why can’t we politely entertain dissenting positions? I dunnot, maybe because WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN UPHILL BATTLE IN THIS PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION AND YOU’VE ALL MADE IT HARDER ON US. Maybe the fact that people went out and gave what money they could spare and spent hours banging on doors for John McCain and do their part only to come home and see the so called “leading lights” blithely sell our hard work down the river could cause them to get a tad miffed.

Oh, and what part of polite has she been in her little missives? I never knew the rules were I can scatter my feces like a rabid monkey whenever I like, but if you get mad at me you have issues. Hmm, I see what she did there!

That’s pretty clever, when it comes from my seven year old. From someone making money on my goodwill? Not so much.

These are the same people that get upset when the hoi polloi start casting aspersions on various Republican candidates. Party Unity! However, anything you want to say about the rank and file is totally fair game. What kind of screwed up world do you live in when commenting in a negative way about public figures is poor form but bashing thousands of average folks is brave and noble? Oh yeah, the world in which Kathleen Parker moves.

Some have opined, ridiculously, that Buckley — son of the famous William F. Buckley (WFB) — was merely seeking attention. Christo, as family and friends call him, has written more than a dozen acclaimed books, one of which, Thank You for Smoking, became a movie. In 2004, he won the Thurber Prize for American Humor for No Way to Treat a First Lady. For 18 years he edited a magazine, Forbes Life, and otherwise seems to be doing all right.

Other critics have surmised that Buckley’s “betrayal” was a publicity stunt for his newest novel, Supreme Courtship (which I reviewed for National Review). When you’re as funny and write as well as Buckley, you don’t have to resort to stunts. You are the stunt.

Well, I guess taking credit for Thank You For Smoking does show some form of integrity; I’ll grant you that. I’ll also grant that “Christo” is the stunt.

In fact, here’s one of his latest stunts, involving his “sainted” father.

But Christopher says his memoir exposes some flaws. “This book is going to land hard in some quarters . . . It’s a book about two very complex people. They were not your typical mom and dad.

If you’re an author, writing a tell-all book (especially about your famous parents) is like the literary form of reality TV. It’s not even classy reality TV like “Amazing Race”‘’; nope, you’ve drifted into “The Surreal World” territory with that one.

My question for Kathleen is, “After defending this guy and dismissing the possibility that his actions were some sort of grimy publicity whoring, how stupid do you feel? I mean, on a scale from one to Alec Baldwin?” Admit it, you’ve been dishonest or delusional here.

A blueblood writer who let’s admit it, had a bunch of doors opened for him with the Buckley name, well there’s an American success story. Some small town girl who through hard work and dedication became governor of her state even though she had no money or name recognition? Let’s see:

With the exception of Miss Alaska, of course.

Even Sarah Palin has blamed Bush policies for the GOP loss. She’s not entirely wrong, but she’s also part of the problem. Her recent conjecture about whether to run for president in 2012 (does anyone really doubt she will?) speaks for itself:

“I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is. … And if there is an open door in (20)12 or four years later, and if it’s something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

Let’s do pray that God shows Alaska’s governor the door.

Translation: And then she stepped on the bawwlllllll!

Now let’s all sit around and wonder, “Why can’t we draw those Reagan Democrats in places like Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin?”

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